Relationship Dialectics

The topic in this weeks class is relationship dialectics. I found the information quite eye opening and thought I would share it with you all today.

Dialectics refers to the tensions that are normal in relationships. It’s the apparent opposition of two interacting forces, emotions, needs, or elements. In our American culture, we are frequently expected to make choices; that is, something must be clear cut and distinct, either/or, white or black, wrong or right, conservative or liberal, and so forth. However, from a dialectical perspective, two things might be both/and. For example, you may love your parents deeply, but you have an absolute and overwhelming need to be independent of them. Or, you may have a close friend in whom you can confide your deepest thoughts, but you don’t want to tell them everything you’re thinking and feeling. Those are both dichotomies, and they can cause dialectical tension within you, even though in both examples both sets of expectations are normal and reasonable (Adler, 2001; Alberts, 2007).
Autonomy-Connection: This requires staying in close relationships while simultaneously remaining independent or autonomous. This tension seeks to balance being overwhelmed with being totally disconnected.
Inclusion-Seclusion: Being involved with the outside world while also wanting to be relatively secluded and free from interference from others can cause feelings of conflict. For instance, at the end of a hectic day at work, an even more hectic community meeting is not always attractive.
Expressiveness-Privacy: Being open and self-disclosing at the same time while also keeping some distance.
Change-Predictability: This is the challenge of experiencing what is new, spontaneous and unplanned versus being totally stable and predictable. One part wants stability, the other seeks adventure.
Predictable-Novel: There can be comfort in knowing what will probably occur in a given situation. On the other hand, unpredictability can have a stimulating attraction.
Conventional-Unique: In particular, from the vantage of those who see you and the other person in your relationship from the outside in, you may have to contend with a point of view that puts you in tension between the expected and the creative.
Open-Closed: Couples may discover they are at odds with their feelings when faced with questions or situations in which they would prefer to not fully disclose their thoughts.
Revealing-Concealing: The challenge of being fully truthful, or not, can bring tension in numerous situations within a relationship, as well as in a public one, say when asked a question about a co-worker you would rather not answer.

Part of the management of dialectical tension is being personally grounded enough to allow for flexibility within the two extremes. This requires the individuals in the relationship to be sufficiently grounded, internally, to understand what is impacting their immediate moods and needs. There are at least eight ways to manage these tensions.

1. Alternation: Going from one side of a tension to the other as a way of dealing with competing events and opportunities. Example: A dating couple decides to spend specific evenings and weekend days together, and others with friends or doing what they individually prefer.
2. Balance: Attempting to manage competing forces through compromise. Example: A couple decides one should take a trip with friends that the other is not prepared to make. Both are content with their decision.
3. Denial: Selecting one extreme side of a tension and ignoring the other. Example: In spite of warning signs financially, a couple continues to make purchases they cannot afford.
4. Disorientation: Overwhelmed and helpless under the tension, a person or a couple becomes unable to act, or face their problems. Example: They might fight, freeze, or leave the relationship following the death of their two youngest children in an automobile accident.
5. Integration: Accepting opposing forces without trying to diminish either one. Example: A man likes to canoe and hike, while his wife prefers to read books in front of a fireplace. They decide to go on vacation to a resort in the north woods where each can comfortably do what they most prefer.
6. Reaffirmation: Accepting dialectical tensions as a normal part of life and not, therefore, be stressed by the challenges. Example: A comparatively low-key relationship allows both people to ride out dialectical highs and lows with little stress and strain individually, or as a couple.
7. Recalibration: Reframing or redefining the challenges in order to eliminate the tension. Example: A newly married couple decides to let certain parts of their past individually remain in the past and safe from disclosure, willing to accept that if each desires to share, the other will accept without judgment or ill will.
8. Segmentation: Compartmentalizing aspects of life and relationships so as to avoid conflict and stress. Example: Friends decide to leave their usually broad and deep discussions about people unlimited, except for several friends about whom they have opposing opinions.

Jess K. Alberts Ph.D. Interpersonal Effectiveness: Psychology 180, 2009. Argosy University.

Hope this is as informative to you as it is to me. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris