A Coming Out Story Continued: Your Closet Or Mine

This is a continuation of A Coming Out Story so if you have not read the previous posts, you may want to begin there. I left off yesterday at the point when I learned that I would always be some one's secret and depressing that was to me. Then one day I met "Luke". Luke had asked me to have coffee with him and I agreed. He was not physically what I was normally attracted to, yet there was something that drew me to him. I felt a connection on a deep emotional level with him. I think what interested me most about Luke was he was not a chaser. He, like me, felt above all else, personality was most important. I left him after having coffee that day thinking to myself, "I think I just found The One!" We went on more dates and I increasingly grew to love Luke. I was not happy where I was living at the time one day when Luke came to pick me up to go out he arrived in the middle of a rather heated argument. Luke asked me then and there to get my stuff and move in with him. I was so happy! For the first time I was going to live with someone as a couple! After a while, he introduced me to his family, and I introduced him to mine. My mother instantly took to Luke, and that's when I knew I had a keeper. I was still a secret though. Luke's job could never know about me. He had to live a double life. In order to be with him, I had to live in his closet. We had so much in common yet we also had so much not in common. The balance seemed to be perfect. I loved him so much I didn't care I was a big secret. On our first year anniversary we had even discussed getting married, but that was when Prop 22 happened and it scared him enough to cancel all talk of a wedding. After about the fourth year together, I began to notice a change in Luke. I would ask him what was wrong and his response was always, "Just work stress." and so I would leave it at that. A few years later Luke explained to me he no longer knew who he was and needed to find himself. I told him I would do whatever I could to help him. A short while later Luke did find himself. He felt he could no longer live his life as a gay man and had met a woman and had fallen in love with her. When Luke left me for her I was beyond devastated. I felt rejected on so many levels. I fell into a deep and dark depression. Every woman I saw I wondered, "Is that her?" I would see happy couples at work and wonder, why I couldn't be one of them? What was wrong with me? At the insistence of a boss from work, I started counseling and therapy. Before the therapy really had a chance to help me, I began to do something I had never done before. I sought out guys who I knew would only be one night stands.  Looking back, I now know why I did it, but at the time I couldn't figure it out. I thought if I could just fulfill the physical needs, then the emotional needs would be okay. I regret that faze now. I was smart enough to play safe, but stupid enough that I hurt myself even more emotionally. And whats worse, I hurt someone else that I grew to care for so much and ruined a chance at what could have been the best thing to happen to me. I was so sure that that's all anyone wanted from me, I completely ignored any signs that there might be someone who wanted more. But more of that later as I had not realized this just yet. I began going to the bar with the Chub & Chaser nights quite often now and got to know quite a few of the regulars. There was one particular couple there that I would watch and got to know. The chub was just an asshole and I would watch how he treated the chaser and I felt so sad for him. I would talk to him several times over the years, and eventually he got the courage to stand up to the big jerk. He eventually left the guy. That is when the chaser, "Mario" confessed his interest in me. More on Mario, and the realization of what my actions had done to someone else tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Coming Out Story Continued: The Double Closet

This is a continuation of A Coming Out Story and A Coming Out Story Continued, So if you have not read those first, follow the links and then come back here. When we left off, I had just met "Mike" as I was leaving the bar. He had asked for my number and I was shocked to actually hear from him a few weeks later. We had agreed to meet back at the bar where we met at, as we were both coming from opposite directions and the bar happened to be in the middle. I got there early and was nervous as all hell. I waited first in the bar, then outside the bar. As it got later and later I was sure I had been stood up. When it got to be an hour late I had decided he wasn't coming and started to head back to my car. As I crossed the parking lot I heard a familiar voice, "Hey gorgeous!" I turned and there was Mike. My anger at him being late dissolved with those two simple words. He suggested that we go somewhere else and I said sure and followed him like a puppy to his truck. After mentioning different places he said he had a place in mind to take me. I said sure, where ever. That's when we arrived at a place I had not even heard of before. Our first date and he was already showing me new things! It was my first time at a spa. I had images of getting massages and sitting in a hot tub. Boy was I in for a shock. After paying for our "private room" a getting our towels, (I was actually shocked they had extra large ones for people like me.) we headed in. The delusions I had about the "spa" quickly faded. It became quite obvious why he had brought me here and what he was looking for. As we headed to the the room and passed opened doors there were several guys in various sexual acts who did not care who could see. In the room Mike explained that we had to be completely nude except for the towels in the place and proceeded to get undressed. I was hesitant but eventually succumbed to the pressure. He then showed me around the place like a proper tour guide, but I was more focused on noticing that once again, I was the only chubby guy in the place. After the tour we went back the the room (room is used loosely as it was really a closet with a cot) and proceeded to "enjoy" our time together. When it came time to leave he told me to wait. "Let me go out first, you wait a few minutes and meet me at the car." I thought a bit odd, but agreed, half expecting him to be gone and I had no way back to my car. I was relieved to see he was there when I got there. As he drove me back to the bar to get my car, he explained, "Sorry, I thought I might have had friends in the area and didn't want them to see me leaving with a chub, they don't know I am a chaser." I sat there in silence as I tried to process the information he just told me. I knew I was chubby so I must be the chub, but what is a chaser? And why is it so embarrassing? Before I had the chance to even ask him these questions he hit me with another shocker. "Plus it might get back to my boyfriend. Oh, I did tell you I had a boyfriend, right?" I paused for what seemed to me an eternity, but was just a few seconds and said, "No, no you didn't." The night went very different from what I expected and it was quickly turning from bad to worse.  I was mad at him for lying to me. I was mad at myself for allowing him to use me. But was so desperate for the attention I said yes to another "date" before I could even stop myself. After a few days and the shame had begun to wear off I decided to do some research on these new terms I had heard. What is a chub and chaser. That is when I found that there was actually a subculture of gay men out there that actually had men like me! And on top of that, there was a bar close to me in Long Beach that actually had a night dedicated to them. After several months of trying to get the courage to go and still seeing "Mike" on the side, I finally managed to muster up enough bravery to go on one of these nights. What I didn't know was that by the time I got to the bar, the social was over. So I sat at the bar, alone playing one of those bar top video games when I was approached by a cute guy. We talked for a while and he asked me if I had been there for the social, I explained I arrived to late and he explained he did too. It was late and I had to get home so I told him I had to leave. He walked me to the car and I asked if he would be at the next one. He said he wasn't sure as no one knew he was a chaser and wasn't sure if he could sneak away. What the hell? Why can't these guys tell anyone that they like guys like me? That is when I learned of the "Double Closet" Some guys can come out as a gay man, but it is such a stigma to be fat, that they can not bring themselves to tell others that they are attracted to bigger guys. It suddenly dawned on me. My life would never be free of secrets. Not only had I kept my sexual orientation a secret, from both straights and gays, but any partner I have would have to keep his preference for guys like me a secret too. I didn't go back to that bar for a very very long time. I did meet up with "Mike" on several more occasions, but it was simply to fulfill our physical needs. My dream of living a happy life with anyone had faded. I was defeated. That was, until I met "Luke". But that will have to wait for the next chapter. Thanks for reading everyone. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

Santa! What a Big Package You Have!

The final few days of this years Christmas shopping is upon us. Time to make those lists and check it twice. And if I am not on it, my favorite color is red, lol. But it is also time to rethink what you have bought had honestly ask yourself, "Will they like it?" The lines at the stores for returns are FILLED with gifts that the presenter simply did not ask that simple little question. How many times have you thought to yourself, "Really? This really made you think of me?" as you put on that fake smile and politely said, "Aww you shouln't have!", hoping that it does not come across as, "No, really, you should not have given me this."?

When the subject of worst Christmas gifts ever comes up, I have no problem thinking of mine. It was the year I had just turned 16. I had gotten my driver's permit. Someone had told me that I was getting a car, don't remember if it was a sister or someone else, but anyway, I was so excited I could not wait! My father was a car salesman, so I just knew that he would pick out the best for me. A Mustang, or even a truck! The anticipation was torture! Worse then those years earlier when I couldn't wait to see what Santa brought me! Finally Christmas day arrived. My sisters and I woke up early, each in our rooms waiting by the door. We had a rule, no one was to leave their room until we all as a family headed to the Family Room. When my parents let us go we all ran to the tree. I tried to act as if I did not know what was coming. I picked up one of the small gifts for me and before I could unwrap it, my mom said "Wait!" I looked up and my dad was at the back curtain, as he began to open them, the excitement in me was about to burst out like a pinata. And then, there it was. My first car! a 1974, pumpkin orange, Ford Pinto. I tried, oh how I tried, to keep that excitement alive, but they saw through it. Then I felt terrible for feeling terrible. Here I was at 16 with a car, any car should have been great. The rest of my gifts that year were all items for the car. Seat covers, floor mats, key chain, license plate frame, etc. I couldn't help but think that damn car had a better Christmas then I did.Anyway, that was my worst gift, what was yours? Leave comments bellow and don't be afraid to share. Thanks for reading.

Burly Bear Chris