A Coming Out Story Continued: Your Closet Or Mine

This is a continuation of A Coming Out Story so if you have not read the previous posts, you may want to begin there. I left off yesterday at the point when I learned that I would always be some one's secret and depressing that was to me. Then one day I met "Luke". Luke had asked me to have coffee with him and I agreed. He was not physically what I was normally attracted to, yet there was something that drew me to him. I felt a connection on a deep emotional level with him. I think what interested me most about Luke was he was not a chaser. He, like me, felt above all else, personality was most important. I left him after having coffee that day thinking to myself, "I think I just found The One!" We went on more dates and I increasingly grew to love Luke. I was not happy where I was living at the time one day when Luke came to pick me up to go out he arrived in the middle of a rather heated argument. Luke asked me then and there to get my stuff and move in with him. I was so happy! For the first time I was going to live with someone as a couple! After a while, he introduced me to his family, and I introduced him to mine. My mother instantly took to Luke, and that's when I knew I had a keeper. I was still a secret though. Luke's job could never know about me. He had to live a double life. In order to be with him, I had to live in his closet. We had so much in common yet we also had so much not in common. The balance seemed to be perfect. I loved him so much I didn't care I was a big secret. On our first year anniversary we had even discussed getting married, but that was when Prop 22 happened and it scared him enough to cancel all talk of a wedding. After about the fourth year together, I began to notice a change in Luke. I would ask him what was wrong and his response was always, "Just work stress." and so I would leave it at that. A few years later Luke explained to me he no longer knew who he was and needed to find himself. I told him I would do whatever I could to help him. A short while later Luke did find himself. He felt he could no longer live his life as a gay man and had met a woman and had fallen in love with her. When Luke left me for her I was beyond devastated. I felt rejected on so many levels. I fell into a deep and dark depression. Every woman I saw I wondered, "Is that her?" I would see happy couples at work and wonder, why I couldn't be one of them? What was wrong with me? At the insistence of a boss from work, I started counseling and therapy. Before the therapy really had a chance to help me, I began to do something I had never done before. I sought out guys who I knew would only be one night stands.  Looking back, I now know why I did it, but at the time I couldn't figure it out. I thought if I could just fulfill the physical needs, then the emotional needs would be okay. I regret that faze now. I was smart enough to play safe, but stupid enough that I hurt myself even more emotionally. And whats worse, I hurt someone else that I grew to care for so much and ruined a chance at what could have been the best thing to happen to me. I was so sure that that's all anyone wanted from me, I completely ignored any signs that there might be someone who wanted more. But more of that later as I had not realized this just yet. I began going to the bar with the Chub & Chaser nights quite often now and got to know quite a few of the regulars. There was one particular couple there that I would watch and got to know. The chub was just an asshole and I would watch how he treated the chaser and I felt so sad for him. I would talk to him several times over the years, and eventually he got the courage to stand up to the big jerk. He eventually left the guy. That is when the chaser, "Mario" confessed his interest in me. More on Mario, and the realization of what my actions had done to someone else tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris