A Personal Update

Just wanted to give you all a little update as to what is going on. Seems everything is hitting me all at once right now. First, a few of the good things. My sweetheart will be here in about 48 hours from now! I can't wait to have him here in my arms!. It's been a long wait and I am so excited the wait is finally over. Also, I am maintaining my 4.0 in school! Yay me! But with the good, comes the bad. I found out a few days ago that what I was hoping was kidney stones is actually a tumor in my bladder. I will be going in for more testing and discussing the options with the Drs, but I am trying to stay positive, and I am so glad my honey will be here to help. Again, I am sorry that this suddenly dropped from a daily blog. I will be trying to update as much as possible. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Coming Out Story Continued: Closets Without Borders

This is the 6th in a series. If you found yourself here first, please click HERE to start at the beginning. Yesterday I left off with the introduction of Carter. Here is a man who has been there for me when I needed a friend, and waited for me to give him a chance. I could no longer say no. Carter was everything I needed. He was kind. He was patient. He was intelligent. He was handsome. He loved me. But most of all, he was safe. Carter lived just about as far away from me as one could get. 5500 miles and 9 time zones away to be exact. Carter and I would chat online everyday. The time differences meant I had to adjust to some pretty odd hours, but he was worth it. We would talk about our future together. As gay marriage is legal where Carter lives, we even talked about getting married. We spent the next 18 months in what was almost the perfect relationship. I say almost because there were two things that stood out the most that kept it from being the absolute perfect relationship. The first was the distance. There were a few times that we had planned on meeting each other in person and each time circumstances beyond either of our controls prevented it from happening. The second was, I was still someone's secret. Carter was living in the double closet. Those that did know he was gay, had no clue he was a chaser. Upon reflection of our relationship I had come to realize that as Idealistic it was, and as perfect as he was, it just wasn't realistic. There was no way either of us could up and leave to move to another country. So for the first time, I had to break off the relationship with someone who had not done me any wrong. Someone I loved and I knew he loved me. It took me a few days after coming to this decision before I could muster up the courage to do it. When I did it, I held back the tears and told him how I felt and that it was best to end the relationship but wanted and needed his friendship. It went smoothly. Too smoothly. He said he understood and okay. I actually felt hurt it went so smoothly. Then, the next day, Carter sent me an email. It wasn't until later he realized what I had said and how badly he felt. There was the knife in the chest I had expected. I tried to keep a stiff upper lip and we still continued to chat everyday. Until one day when he told me about someone he had met. That's when I couldn't hold back the emotion any longer and I cried in front of him. But that was also a turning point as from that moment on it became okay to talk to each other about the guys we were liking and dating. It was no longer the elephant in the room that we had to tiptoe around. Carter and I still talk to each other nearly every day. He is and will always be one of my best friends. As well as nearly all my exes mentioned in this series. I truly believe that my heart is like a safe and once someone is in there, they are there to stay, even if that means being friends and not lovers. That brings you all up to date. That is the history of my first 42 years. I hope that by sharing my story with you all not only will you get a better chance of who I am and what I have been through, but that maybe I could help others who may find themselves in similar situations.As I move forward, I have taken something from each relationship and and now have a better understanding of our Bear/Chub/Chaser community, of the types of men out there, and most of all, myself and what it is that I want in a partner. Although there are many more chapters in my life to write, this is the last in the closet series, for the thing I have learned the most, it can't work if I am a secret. Thanks to all who have continued to follow me through this series. If anyone has any questions, advice or simply want to say how reading these might have helped you, do not hesitate to contact me.Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Coming Out Story

So I thought today I would share my coming out story. I did not come out to my friends and family until rather late compared to most. I was 27 at the time. I had known I was attracted to guys since the third grade when I named my pet rabbit Troy after a boy in my class that I had liked. Of course then it was not a sexual attraction, as I had no idea what sex even was, but I knew that I wast fascinated by him. By the time I had hit puberty, it was male genitals that got my attention, not woman's breasts like the rest of my friends. I knew I was different, but did not know why. I thought that if I could pretend to like girls and followed the actions of my friends, that maybe someday I too would find them as wonderful as they did. I finally learned what a "fag" was in Junior High. I had heard the word and knew it was a bad word, but never knew the meaning until one day I called someone that and was overheard by a teacher who then took me to the principle. I remember him asking, "Do you even know what that word means?" I had to admit I didn't and he proceeded to tell me it was a boy who liked boys instead of girls and that it was a terrible thing to call someone. As I was a normally nerdy good student, he said that he would not have to tell my parents, so no one knew about our conversation. But I knew. And I replayed it over and over in my head. I remember thinking I liked boys instead of girls. I was a fag. I was a terrible thing. That made me even more determined then ever to be "normal" and tried desperately to like girls. I had several girl friends, but could never bring myself to cross that line into girlfriend. In high school I had one who her and I were the best of friends. Several people thought we were a couple, and I made no attempt to correct that. I felt safe if they thought I was normal. At  about 15 I learned that there were people who liked both men and women and were called bisexual. So I began to think of myself as bi, even though I had no sexual interest in girls at all. It was a label I put on myself, no one ever asked me and assumed I was straight, but somehow it made it a little easier to accept to myself that I liked boys. At 17, after high school, I was working for Domino's Pizza and met Shane. He was the first openly gay role model I ever had. He was 6 years older. I remember just studying him and quickly became friends with him. When we were alone I could not stop asking him questions and quickly placed myself under his wing. He even gave me my first drink of alcohol. It was his 24th birthday. Looking back at it now, I am sure he picked up that I too was gay, but he never said anything. Or at least, never got to. A few months later Shane was killed. A death I blamed myself for, but I will save that story for another blog. I not only lost a very dear friend, but the man I looked up to the most. At his funeral, I remember the terrible things his mother had said under her breath about her son being in hell because of his wicked homosexual ways. That's when I knew I had to keep my secret from my family. I never wanted my mother to hate me, or worse, die of a heart attack, finding out I was gay. For ten years after that I tried my best to keep my secret. I lived a busy life, so if asked why I wasn't dating, I simply didn't have the time. A few times I had what I though were close calls. And I thought I did well at covering my tracks. I never had a serious boyfriend, but I was having one night stands and hook ups. By the time I was 27 , both my sisters had married and started families. My mom would ask, "When are you starting yours?" I could not take it any longer. I wanted what they had. I wanted to find my soul mate. So I called my sisters and mother to a family meeting and proceeded to tell them I had big news. I stood before them, and told them, "I'm gay!" there was a pause then my sister said "Duhhh" and my mother said, "Oh I've known" Instead of the big bang like a balloon popping that I expected, it went more like pppffffttttt and I felt a little deflated. My mom then said, "I have always known, but read books that said I had to wait for you to tell me." The tables turned and now I was the one in shock. I told her, "Well you could have left the book out for me to see it too!" Then suddenly I felt both free and yet, angry at all the time I wasted hiding for nothing. I then told all my friends. Their reactions were somewhat surprising too. Most of them thought I was pulling their leg or lying. It confused me. My family knew the whole time, yet the friends I spent the most time with had no clue. In all I only lost 2 friends that could not accept me for who I was. All the others were happy that I could finally be myself. I then went from being 27 to 17 again. I got to do all those things normal teenagers got to do a decade before. Date, mingle, and bring some to meet the family. I still wish I had those years to live over and not waste them the way I did. But things happen for a reason I guess. Well, that's my story, sorry it was so long and hope you enjoyed. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris.