The Rules Of Love And The Modern Relationship

The only constant in life is change. As the things around us change, so do the so-called rules to the use of these things. Everything from how we drive a car, or use a phone, to even how we eat. All these things change. So why do we insist that we hold the rules to how we love so steadfastly in the past? Some use religious beliefs as the reason for this, yet even in religion, the rules evolve and change. No one is going to stone you to death for wearing a cotton poly blend or eating bacon on your burger. Yet the resistance to adapt love to the modern world is strong enough to enrage some to the point of murder to protect their ideals of it. I find it ironic that Merriam-Webster defines love as "...unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another" yet nothing brings on hate, loathing and contempt faster then when two people who love each other happen to be of the same sex. Its more then past due for societies views on love and relationships to step out of the dark ages. Its a shame that there has not been as much effort in teaching the values of love versus the teachings of who to love. It is becoming more and more acceptable to see sex and promiscuity between a man and a woman. To idolize sluts and whores. Its easier to rewrite the rules of sexual behavior, then to simply allow a same sex couple to vow publicly that they will love honor and cherish each other and forsake all others. How pathetic is that, really? There was a time when an adulterer would be arrested, tried and disciplined in public. Now, they get their own TV series and become role models. When I first came out I would often hear the argument for not allowing gays to marry as being that they were by nature promiscuous and could never be faithful. Now the argument is that it will undermine the institution of marriage. These people need to look into their own houses and what their own actions are doing to the very thing they are trying to protect. I would love to hear your input on the matter. Far too many people have strong feelings on the subject, but have their voices muted. Let me know how you feel and I will add voice to it for you. You can leave a comment here as anonymous or send me an email. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Coming Out Story Continued: Closets Without Borders

This is the 6th in a series. If you found yourself here first, please click HERE to start at the beginning. Yesterday I left off with the introduction of Carter. Here is a man who has been there for me when I needed a friend, and waited for me to give him a chance. I could no longer say no. Carter was everything I needed. He was kind. He was patient. He was intelligent. He was handsome. He loved me. But most of all, he was safe. Carter lived just about as far away from me as one could get. 5500 miles and 9 time zones away to be exact. Carter and I would chat online everyday. The time differences meant I had to adjust to some pretty odd hours, but he was worth it. We would talk about our future together. As gay marriage is legal where Carter lives, we even talked about getting married. We spent the next 18 months in what was almost the perfect relationship. I say almost because there were two things that stood out the most that kept it from being the absolute perfect relationship. The first was the distance. There were a few times that we had planned on meeting each other in person and each time circumstances beyond either of our controls prevented it from happening. The second was, I was still someone's secret. Carter was living in the double closet. Those that did know he was gay, had no clue he was a chaser. Upon reflection of our relationship I had come to realize that as Idealistic it was, and as perfect as he was, it just wasn't realistic. There was no way either of us could up and leave to move to another country. So for the first time, I had to break off the relationship with someone who had not done me any wrong. Someone I loved and I knew he loved me. It took me a few days after coming to this decision before I could muster up the courage to do it. When I did it, I held back the tears and told him how I felt and that it was best to end the relationship but wanted and needed his friendship. It went smoothly. Too smoothly. He said he understood and okay. I actually felt hurt it went so smoothly. Then, the next day, Carter sent me an email. It wasn't until later he realized what I had said and how badly he felt. There was the knife in the chest I had expected. I tried to keep a stiff upper lip and we still continued to chat everyday. Until one day when he told me about someone he had met. That's when I couldn't hold back the emotion any longer and I cried in front of him. But that was also a turning point as from that moment on it became okay to talk to each other about the guys we were liking and dating. It was no longer the elephant in the room that we had to tiptoe around. Carter and I still talk to each other nearly every day. He is and will always be one of my best friends. As well as nearly all my exes mentioned in this series. I truly believe that my heart is like a safe and once someone is in there, they are there to stay, even if that means being friends and not lovers. That brings you all up to date. That is the history of my first 42 years. I hope that by sharing my story with you all not only will you get a better chance of who I am and what I have been through, but that maybe I could help others who may find themselves in similar situations.As I move forward, I have taken something from each relationship and and now have a better understanding of our Bear/Chub/Chaser community, of the types of men out there, and most of all, myself and what it is that I want in a partner. Although there are many more chapters in my life to write, this is the last in the closet series, for the thing I have learned the most, it can't work if I am a secret. Thanks to all who have continued to follow me through this series. If anyone has any questions, advice or simply want to say how reading these might have helped you, do not hesitate to contact me.Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Coming Out Story Continued: Out Of A Closet Into Another

I have had some wonderful response to my coming out story, but I have also received several people asking me a few questions. "What happened after you came out?" "What was it like a s a big man to come out?" "Did you find your soul mate?" and more. So I am going to continue my story today and try to answer a few of these questions. Where I left off was the reaction of family and friends. What I should explain further was the effects of coming out and how they effected me. As  I stated, I was 27, but felt 17 again. Here I am finally accepting myself as a gay man, and those around me now know and accept me too. It was an euphoric feeling.  I starting hitting all the bars in LA. At first I was just so excited to be with my own kind of people! The music was better. The drinks were better! The people were better! But were they really? As the blinding excitement began to fade I noticed something rather odd. All the guys around me were thin, well built, and as hot as they looked, they were rather cold in their personalities. I went to my first gay pride in Palm Springs. I had a great time with a few of my new gay friends. That was until we were at one of the clubs in the evening. My friend and I were dancing on the dance floor when I was approached my a few people filming the action in the club. He said to me, "Uhm could you move off the floor so we can shoot the hot guys." I felt punched in the face. Here I was, hiding who I was all these years for fear of rejection from those different from me, yet now I am being rejected by those that are like me. I stopped going to the clubs. I felt I left one closet, only to be put into another. I had to hide from the gay world that, I was like them. Then one day I came upon a personal ad. I won't use his real name, we will just call him Joe. Joe was looking for a chubby guy. I had to respond because for all I knew from what I saw at the clubs, I was the ONLY chubby gay. Joe and I talked back and forth for a while. He lived only 30 miles away so we quickly set up our first date. When we met for the first time it was like "Wow!", I could not believe this hunk wanted someone like me. He took me to a bar near his home and he bought me a drink, and asked me to play a game of darts. After a while it became obvious he was trying to let me win. He would touch my arm when he spoke to me, compliment my throw, even if it did miss the board. I had never had this type of attention before. When we got back in the car, he looked at me and smiled. "Did you hear what I said?" he asked snapping me out of a magical daydream I was having about him. "Oh, uh, no sorry." I said. He laughed and said, "I said you are a very beautiful man." Much like today, I did not take compliments very well as I never know what to say and always doubt the sincerity. He then leaned over and gave me my first real gay kiss. I saw fireworks. I could not believe I found this man and he liked me as much as I liked him!. Over the next few months I would see him every chance I got. We introduced each other to the our families. I was finally living a life I always wanted. That was until Joe got addicted to Meth. I had not known he was once addicted before we met and that some old "friends" had reintroduced it to him. Soon all the time we would spend together was time he was looking to score some drugs. He ended up draining my savings and when I told him that was it, I wanted my money back and him to get clean, he got abusive. Hit me with a pair of brass knuckles he pulled out of his pocket and the pulled a gun out of his backpack and pointed it at me. We were in my car at the time and I noticed a cop up ahead, so I pulled over and threw him out of the car. I secretly wanted the cop to see and knew he would run from them. I never wanted to see him again, yet at the same time couldn't think of nothing else but him. He was so different when we met to what the drugs did to him. He was my first love and will always be remembered for that, they way he was in the beginning. I wore out so many CD's of Cher's "Believe", I even bought one that simply had 12 different versions of that one song, and listened to them over and over again, using it as my anthem, telling myself there was life after love. But it took a long time. After a while I then allowed some friends to convince me to go to some bars I had not been to yet. They assured me I would like these better. That is when I discovered Faultline in LA. It was my introduction the Leather Bear Community. I was very timid still and even though these guys were more like me, I remained the wallflower. With what I went through with Joe, I developed a dislike for alcohol as any form of inebriation reminded me of how people change from who they really are, so I would usually just watch and be the driver as my fiends let their hair down and had a good time. One of these trips I was standing near the door drinking my water when I noticed this handsome guy walk past and into the phone booth. As usual I looked, I admired, I wrote him off as out of my league. Next thing I know he is standing next to me and saying something, I looked to him and said "what?" he then said again, "Is that all your drinking?" I explained yes and that I was the DD. He then offered to get me another, I said sure. To this day I have no idea if someone is hitting on me or just being nice, so I assume the later to be safe. When he came back, he suggested we got to a quieter section of the bar. He introduced himself. Again I will use a fake name, Mike. After a few minutes my friends came to me, way too drunk to take care of themselves so I had to say goodbye to Mike. He asked for my number. I was surprised when he called me a few days later wanting to meet again. And I will continue this story tomorrow. Thank you for reading this far and for all your support. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

The Roads Of Life

 

Imagine if your life were mapped out on a piece of paper. One long road across. Then add the roads of those around you. Some would cross briefly, a fixed point in time. Others would run along side of you. Spanning several miles. And sometimes, after running beside yours for a long time, they drift off, into a different direction. If we try to remain parallel to these roads, we lose sight of our own destination and ultimately come to a dead end. Its not easy to give up something, or someone. I know this quite well. But you have to ask yourself, "Is there truly a chance that this detour is temporary? Or do I continue on, allowing room for another road to come along side mine?" I am not just talking about partners or spouses. All relationships effect the direction we head in. I have had to make some decisions this year that were very difficult and even painful, but I had to in order for me to move forward. And even in one case, so he can move forward. Does this mean that when their roads are out of sight from mine I stop caring? No, completely the opposite. Once I love someone, they always have a permanent spot in my heart. I will always love them, and want the best for them, for us. Even if that best means that I need to step away. I have to fight the urge to go chasing their roads every day, but I know that doing so would be the wrong thing to do.I have been surprised in the past. Roads that had long parted ways have returned on their own accord many years later. And as great as that is, it would be foolish of me to expect it from each one. I should also point out, it is necessary to look at those roads around us and realize how special it is to have that time together. If we don't, the journey becomes quite lonely. So with that being said, I wish everyone a happy and safe journey along their own roads. I look forward to the days ours cross. Be it briefly or across the miles. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris