Uhm, Dude, Your Wife Is A Shrew!

So have you ever wanted to take your friend by the shoulders, shake the hell out of him screaming, "What the hell were you thinking? She's a shrew!" Well, I have such a friend. She is one of those people who thinks she needs to control everything and everyone. I feel terrible for this guy. She takes every opportunity to berate him in public, chastise him online, and nag him at home. She controls who he can and can not talk to. She degrade him and his family. Threatens him physically. Abuses him emotionally. Its like he is living an episode of Jerry Springer that will never end. How do you help a friend in that situation? I know, he is an adult and he needs to stand up for himself, that is a given. But how do you encourage him to be brave enough to do it without sounding like a total jerk? I feel bad for him. He is living in a modern age "Taming Of The Shrew" but, so far, in this version, the shrew remains untamed. How would you all go about offering help to your friend? Send me suggestions as I am honestly curious. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Coming Out Story Continued: Closets Without Borders

This is the 6th in a series. If you found yourself here first, please click HERE to start at the beginning. Yesterday I left off with the introduction of Carter. Here is a man who has been there for me when I needed a friend, and waited for me to give him a chance. I could no longer say no. Carter was everything I needed. He was kind. He was patient. He was intelligent. He was handsome. He loved me. But most of all, he was safe. Carter lived just about as far away from me as one could get. 5500 miles and 9 time zones away to be exact. Carter and I would chat online everyday. The time differences meant I had to adjust to some pretty odd hours, but he was worth it. We would talk about our future together. As gay marriage is legal where Carter lives, we even talked about getting married. We spent the next 18 months in what was almost the perfect relationship. I say almost because there were two things that stood out the most that kept it from being the absolute perfect relationship. The first was the distance. There were a few times that we had planned on meeting each other in person and each time circumstances beyond either of our controls prevented it from happening. The second was, I was still someone's secret. Carter was living in the double closet. Those that did know he was gay, had no clue he was a chaser. Upon reflection of our relationship I had come to realize that as Idealistic it was, and as perfect as he was, it just wasn't realistic. There was no way either of us could up and leave to move to another country. So for the first time, I had to break off the relationship with someone who had not done me any wrong. Someone I loved and I knew he loved me. It took me a few days after coming to this decision before I could muster up the courage to do it. When I did it, I held back the tears and told him how I felt and that it was best to end the relationship but wanted and needed his friendship. It went smoothly. Too smoothly. He said he understood and okay. I actually felt hurt it went so smoothly. Then, the next day, Carter sent me an email. It wasn't until later he realized what I had said and how badly he felt. There was the knife in the chest I had expected. I tried to keep a stiff upper lip and we still continued to chat everyday. Until one day when he told me about someone he had met. That's when I couldn't hold back the emotion any longer and I cried in front of him. But that was also a turning point as from that moment on it became okay to talk to each other about the guys we were liking and dating. It was no longer the elephant in the room that we had to tiptoe around. Carter and I still talk to each other nearly every day. He is and will always be one of my best friends. As well as nearly all my exes mentioned in this series. I truly believe that my heart is like a safe and once someone is in there, they are there to stay, even if that means being friends and not lovers. That brings you all up to date. That is the history of my first 42 years. I hope that by sharing my story with you all not only will you get a better chance of who I am and what I have been through, but that maybe I could help others who may find themselves in similar situations.As I move forward, I have taken something from each relationship and and now have a better understanding of our Bear/Chub/Chaser community, of the types of men out there, and most of all, myself and what it is that I want in a partner. Although there are many more chapters in my life to write, this is the last in the closet series, for the thing I have learned the most, it can't work if I am a secret. Thanks to all who have continued to follow me through this series. If anyone has any questions, advice or simply want to say how reading these might have helped you, do not hesitate to contact me.Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Coming Out Story Continued: The Cyber Closet

This is the fifth in a series. If you got here first, you may want to begin at A Coming Out Story and continue from there. I left off yesterday with the introduction of Mario. (As usual, I am not using the guys real names.) But before I continue on with him I need to step back a bit. As things began to fade between Luke and I, I found myself spending more and more time online making friends on sites like Biggercity and Bear411. Some were casual acquaintances, while others became truly deep connections. One of these connections was Buddy. Buddy and I clicked immediately. He and I could tell each other anything. In the beginning, he and I connected over the fact that we were both in relationships that seemed to be struggling for life. We would chat for hours about what was going on and what each of us needed but not getting. It soon developed into more then just a kinship, as we began to share with each other our fantasies and desires. The best part of it was it was safe. We lived so far apart so the chances of taking it farther then the keyboards was slim. When things did end with Luke and I, Buddy's friendship really helped me from blaming myself and isolating myself away. The only problem was I had left Luke's professional closet and was now in Buddy's cyber closet. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed our chats very much and his friendship carries on with me to this day, but I was still not getting the physical attention I had been neglected all those years as well as still, yet again, I was someone's secret. So that is when I started going out to the bar, and started "dating" other guys. One guy I had met was Tab (odd name yes, but its fake and he will get the reference, haha). Tab and I talked several times online and I liked him very much. So much so that I wanted everything perfect the first time we were together. I kept putting off meeting him, not because I wasn't interested in him, but just the opposite and wanted to make the best first impression. When we finally met up, I was so shy, so nervous and so sure that he would only like me for one thing, I completely blew our meeting. I did not stop to think that he could possibly be thinking the same about me. He and I chatted here and there after that, but it wasn't the same. we had a definite friendship, but there was something there that was preventing us from moving beyond that. About a year later is when Mario and I began to date. Mario asked me to be his boyfriend and the very next day, Tab needed a place to stay and came to stay with me. We never did anything that week other then be friends, and after that week Tab left. As he was leaving I felt like I was making the worst mistake in my life by not begging him to stay. It wasn't until two years later when we had rekindled our friendship and were able to talk of of our first night did I fully understand that my actions could be taken as that I was the one not interested. Instead of him hurting me, I had hurt him. And by the time I had realized this, it was too late to go back and change things. But that's jumping ahead. Mario and I were now boyfriends. He was the first man to send me flowers for my birthday. He told me "I love you" first. He treated me quite well, in the beginning. I later learned that when he did those things, it was not because he wanted to make me happy, but apologize for things he was doing that I did not know about. I learned a few months later that Mario was also with another man. That was it. I was through with the men in my life and I retreated back into the cyber world. At the time I had been chatting with someone from another country as friends for over six years. He had asked me in the past if there was ever a chance between us and I always said no. After the hurt Mario caused me, I was talking to this friend and he again asked me if there was a chance between us. After thinking about it, I finally said yes. And that is where Carter comes in. More on him in the next blog. Thanks for reading. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

The Seven Stages Of Grief

 We all experience loss in our lives. loss is enviable. Whether it be the death of a loved one or the end of a friendship or relationship, we will lose someone we care about. There is only one guarantee in life and that is loss. With that certainty and given the predictability in human behavior, researchers have determined that there seven stages we go through when our lives are sidelined with this loss. Those stages are: Shock and denial, Pain and guilt, Anger and bargaining, Depression and loneliness, The turn around, Reconstruction, and finally Acceptance and hope. Here is a little look deeper into each of these.

1. Shock and denial. This happens when the event first takes place. Our first instinct is to deny that the loss has taken place. This is when we say "No, this can't be happening!" and try to convince ourselves everything is still normal. It is quickly followed by stage two.
2. Pain and guilt. After the numbness of the shock wears off, it is quickly replaced with unbelievable, and sometimes seemingly unbearable, pain. It is also about this time we begin to feel guilty. Often feeling like it is our fault or it should have been me. 
3. Anger and bargaining. This is when the blame shifts from us to someone or something else. This often teeter-totters with trying to barter in order to repair the loss with such things as, "I promise I will do _____ differently if he/she will just come back." 
4. Depression and loneliness. This is when the full realization of the situation sets in and the sadness is at its biggest. We tend to isolate ourselves from those around us because, although well intended, they can not fully grasp your situation and their attempts to "cheer you up" only increase the feeling of loss.
5. The turn around. This is when you notice that little by little your pain is lessening. You tend to function just a little bit more. You begin to find small amounts of enjoyment in the things you once did.
6. Reconstruction. As you begin to get back into your normal routine, you learn to adapt to the parts that are now missing. You begin to feel the need to tell your story. Let others know you are on the road to recovery and look to people to fill in the gaps. You being to reach out once again.
7. Acceptance and hope. We begin to accept the situation for what it is and start to see a light at the end of the tunnel. We are not quite back to normal, but we can see ourselves being there and accept that things will be better.

Although it is certain we will go through each of these stages, what is unknown is when, what order and how long each of them will take. A therapist once explained to me that it is much like driving up a mountain. The road to recovery is not a straight incline to the peak, but rather a long winding one with many hills and valleys. Sometimes we take many strides to our goal, then have to take a few back, and that is okay. The important thing is that eventually you will make it to the top. So to all those who are currently suffering a loss and to those that may in the future, I hope this outline shows that the feelings you are having are not only valid, but necessary in order to recover. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris