A Coming Out Story

So I thought today I would share my coming out story. I did not come out to my friends and family until rather late compared to most. I was 27 at the time. I had known I was attracted to guys since the third grade when I named my pet rabbit Troy after a boy in my class that I had liked. Of course then it was not a sexual attraction, as I had no idea what sex even was, but I knew that I wast fascinated by him. By the time I had hit puberty, it was male genitals that got my attention, not woman's breasts like the rest of my friends. I knew I was different, but did not know why. I thought that if I could pretend to like girls and followed the actions of my friends, that maybe someday I too would find them as wonderful as they did. I finally learned what a "fag" was in Junior High. I had heard the word and knew it was a bad word, but never knew the meaning until one day I called someone that and was overheard by a teacher who then took me to the principle. I remember him asking, "Do you even know what that word means?" I had to admit I didn't and he proceeded to tell me it was a boy who liked boys instead of girls and that it was a terrible thing to call someone. As I was a normally nerdy good student, he said that he would not have to tell my parents, so no one knew about our conversation. But I knew. And I replayed it over and over in my head. I remember thinking I liked boys instead of girls. I was a fag. I was a terrible thing. That made me even more determined then ever to be "normal" and tried desperately to like girls. I had several girl friends, but could never bring myself to cross that line into girlfriend. In high school I had one who her and I were the best of friends. Several people thought we were a couple, and I made no attempt to correct that. I felt safe if they thought I was normal. At  about 15 I learned that there were people who liked both men and women and were called bisexual. So I began to think of myself as bi, even though I had no sexual interest in girls at all. It was a label I put on myself, no one ever asked me and assumed I was straight, but somehow it made it a little easier to accept to myself that I liked boys. At 17, after high school, I was working for Domino's Pizza and met Shane. He was the first openly gay role model I ever had. He was 6 years older. I remember just studying him and quickly became friends with him. When we were alone I could not stop asking him questions and quickly placed myself under his wing. He even gave me my first drink of alcohol. It was his 24th birthday. Looking back at it now, I am sure he picked up that I too was gay, but he never said anything. Or at least, never got to. A few months later Shane was killed. A death I blamed myself for, but I will save that story for another blog. I not only lost a very dear friend, but the man I looked up to the most. At his funeral, I remember the terrible things his mother had said under her breath about her son being in hell because of his wicked homosexual ways. That's when I knew I had to keep my secret from my family. I never wanted my mother to hate me, or worse, die of a heart attack, finding out I was gay. For ten years after that I tried my best to keep my secret. I lived a busy life, so if asked why I wasn't dating, I simply didn't have the time. A few times I had what I though were close calls. And I thought I did well at covering my tracks. I never had a serious boyfriend, but I was having one night stands and hook ups. By the time I was 27 , both my sisters had married and started families. My mom would ask, "When are you starting yours?" I could not take it any longer. I wanted what they had. I wanted to find my soul mate. So I called my sisters and mother to a family meeting and proceeded to tell them I had big news. I stood before them, and told them, "I'm gay!" there was a pause then my sister said "Duhhh" and my mother said, "Oh I've known" Instead of the big bang like a balloon popping that I expected, it went more like pppffffttttt and I felt a little deflated. My mom then said, "I have always known, but read books that said I had to wait for you to tell me." The tables turned and now I was the one in shock. I told her, "Well you could have left the book out for me to see it too!" Then suddenly I felt both free and yet, angry at all the time I wasted hiding for nothing. I then told all my friends. Their reactions were somewhat surprising too. Most of them thought I was pulling their leg or lying. It confused me. My family knew the whole time, yet the friends I spent the most time with had no clue. In all I only lost 2 friends that could not accept me for who I was. All the others were happy that I could finally be myself. I then went from being 27 to 17 again. I got to do all those things normal teenagers got to do a decade before. Date, mingle, and bring some to meet the family. I still wish I had those years to live over and not waste them the way I did. But things happen for a reason I guess. Well, that's my story, sorry it was so long and hope you enjoyed. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris.