A Coming Out Story Continued: The Cyber Closet

This is the fifth in a series. If you got here first, you may want to begin at A Coming Out Story and continue from there. I left off yesterday with the introduction of Mario. (As usual, I am not using the guys real names.) But before I continue on with him I need to step back a bit. As things began to fade between Luke and I, I found myself spending more and more time online making friends on sites like Biggercity and Bear411. Some were casual acquaintances, while others became truly deep connections. One of these connections was Buddy. Buddy and I clicked immediately. He and I could tell each other anything. In the beginning, he and I connected over the fact that we were both in relationships that seemed to be struggling for life. We would chat for hours about what was going on and what each of us needed but not getting. It soon developed into more then just a kinship, as we began to share with each other our fantasies and desires. The best part of it was it was safe. We lived so far apart so the chances of taking it farther then the keyboards was slim. When things did end with Luke and I, Buddy's friendship really helped me from blaming myself and isolating myself away. The only problem was I had left Luke's professional closet and was now in Buddy's cyber closet. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed our chats very much and his friendship carries on with me to this day, but I was still not getting the physical attention I had been neglected all those years as well as still, yet again, I was someone's secret. So that is when I started going out to the bar, and started "dating" other guys. One guy I had met was Tab (odd name yes, but its fake and he will get the reference, haha). Tab and I talked several times online and I liked him very much. So much so that I wanted everything perfect the first time we were together. I kept putting off meeting him, not because I wasn't interested in him, but just the opposite and wanted to make the best first impression. When we finally met up, I was so shy, so nervous and so sure that he would only like me for one thing, I completely blew our meeting. I did not stop to think that he could possibly be thinking the same about me. He and I chatted here and there after that, but it wasn't the same. we had a definite friendship, but there was something there that was preventing us from moving beyond that. About a year later is when Mario and I began to date. Mario asked me to be his boyfriend and the very next day, Tab needed a place to stay and came to stay with me. We never did anything that week other then be friends, and after that week Tab left. As he was leaving I felt like I was making the worst mistake in my life by not begging him to stay. It wasn't until two years later when we had rekindled our friendship and were able to talk of of our first night did I fully understand that my actions could be taken as that I was the one not interested. Instead of him hurting me, I had hurt him. And by the time I had realized this, it was too late to go back and change things. But that's jumping ahead. Mario and I were now boyfriends. He was the first man to send me flowers for my birthday. He told me "I love you" first. He treated me quite well, in the beginning. I later learned that when he did those things, it was not because he wanted to make me happy, but apologize for things he was doing that I did not know about. I learned a few months later that Mario was also with another man. That was it. I was through with the men in my life and I retreated back into the cyber world. At the time I had been chatting with someone from another country as friends for over six years. He had asked me in the past if there was ever a chance between us and I always said no. After the hurt Mario caused me, I was talking to this friend and he again asked me if there was a chance between us. After thinking about it, I finally said yes. And that is where Carter comes in. More on him in the next blog. Thanks for reading. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris