I Wish I Could....Travel

I wish I could just pack my bags and travel the world. There are so many places I would love to visit and see. Thanks to the Internet, I have been able to travel vicariously through talking to so many people from so many different countries, but it is not the same. I want to see these places with my own eyes. I want to take a double-decker bus in London. By gondola in the Venice Canals. By train through Germany. By rickshaw in Japan. Or even get in a car and drive across The United States. I simply find it fascinating to see and experience different lands, cultures, foods, customs and traditions. I want to see the rolling green hillsides of Ireland. I want to taste an authentic Swedish Meatball in Sweden. I want to smell the spices of India. If it ever became possible for me to afford such trips, you can bet you sweet patootie, I am going! Where would you go? Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

I Wish I Could....Protect Everyone I Love

Sometimes I wish I were invincible. Able to cover the ones I love so no harm can come to them. It hurts me so much to see them in pain. In fear. In frustration. I want to shield them and take the pains away from them. But I can not always do that. I am not immortal. I do my best to help others. But I am often left with the feeling I wish I could do more. I often put the needs of others first, and that never bothers me. I never mind the sacrifices because the smile on a loved ones face is far better then anything else. But seeing the pain in their eyes, or hearing the frustration in their voices haunts me. I never want them to hide these feelings from me, for I can sense them anyway. I may look like this worn out umbrella in the end, but I would do it all over again. I will always fight for them. I just wish I could do more. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

I Wish I Could....Play Piano

I have always wanted to learn to play the piano. For as long as I can remember, those 88 keys have absolutely fascinated me. I have never had the money nor have I ever found anyone willing to instruct me on playing. There is just something the draws me to the sounds of a piano. Maybe its because there really isn't any song that can't be played on one. I don't know. I can't tell you how many hours I have logged in just sitting and listening to Rod Miller and Michael Pollock play the piano on Mainstreet in Disneyland. Just in awe wishing that I too could play like that someday. Hopefully, someday soon, I will get a chance to learn. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

I Wish I Could....Bake

There are several things that I either wish I could do better or wish I could change. Rather then cram them all into one post, this week will be dedicated to wishes. The first wish is I wish I could bake like my grandmother did. She was not only a great cook, but an excellent baker. Although I did get some of her baking abilities, I did not get them all. I did get her ability to swear as she was doing it, lol. I was baking and decorating a cake today and the whole time I was thinking, "God dammit, just work like I want you too." Then would smile as I remember grandma doing the same thing. I keep trying though, as I know there is no chance of improving without doing so. I often subject my poor friends as guinea pigs in taste testing. One day I will eventually bake something that I think would have not only made grandma smile, but impressed her as well. Short and sweet today folks as I have bread in the oven. What do you wish for? Let me know in the comments. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

The Misconceptions Of Emotional Baggage

Anyone who tells you they have no emotional baggage is either in deep denial or an out and out liar. Everyone carries with them emotional scars. Granted some may run deeper then others, but from the time we are born we will experience events that will impact how we grow, how we evolve, how we learn and how we love. Each time we experience any form of emotion, the influences that bring on that emotion get stowed in that suitcase in our soul we call emotional baggage. As children we experience the warmness of praise or the coldness of scoldings. That is how we learn from right and wrong. As we get older, we experience more complicated emotions. Guilt, envy, love, lust, apathy and empathy. As we experience these we still subconsciously store those influences into our baggage. Somewhere along our development, we are taught that its best to keep the lid shut tight on them. This is especially true with men. "The man is supposed to be strong, emotionless and in control at all times!" This in itself is even more emotional baggage! In men and women alike, sometimes one just can not simply close the lid anymore. Our bags just get so full that we can no longer just tuck them away. This does not make the person bad, or weak. It simply means they have experienced things others may never be able to imagine. Sometimes all it takes is someone to sit next to them, and be there, as they re organize and repack their life. Far to often I hear others say, "It did not work out because he/she had just way too much baggage." And far too often I hear others reply back, "Who needs that, you are better off without him/her." If you really listen to what is being said, you can see why it upsets me. The first person has simply found a way of saying, "It didn't work out because I couldn't care less about getting to know the other person.", that doesn't make him sound like an ass that he is. And when I see profiles that read, "Looking for someone with no baggage." what it really means is that, "I have so much baggage of my own that I won't deal with, I have no room for yours." I am not saying you have to accept everyone and the baggage they carry with them. It is okay to say that the way the handle their baggage is something you don't agree with. Just be honest with the other person and yourself. So what is your opinion on emotional baggage? Drop me a note and let me know. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

The Rules Of Love And The Modern Relationship

The only constant in life is change. As the things around us change, so do the so-called rules to the use of these things. Everything from how we drive a car, or use a phone, to even how we eat. All these things change. So why do we insist that we hold the rules to how we love so steadfastly in the past? Some use religious beliefs as the reason for this, yet even in religion, the rules evolve and change. No one is going to stone you to death for wearing a cotton poly blend or eating bacon on your burger. Yet the resistance to adapt love to the modern world is strong enough to enrage some to the point of murder to protect their ideals of it. I find it ironic that Merriam-Webster defines love as "...unselfish loyal and benevolent concern for the good of another" yet nothing brings on hate, loathing and contempt faster then when two people who love each other happen to be of the same sex. Its more then past due for societies views on love and relationships to step out of the dark ages. Its a shame that there has not been as much effort in teaching the values of love versus the teachings of who to love. It is becoming more and more acceptable to see sex and promiscuity between a man and a woman. To idolize sluts and whores. Its easier to rewrite the rules of sexual behavior, then to simply allow a same sex couple to vow publicly that they will love honor and cherish each other and forsake all others. How pathetic is that, really? There was a time when an adulterer would be arrested, tried and disciplined in public. Now, they get their own TV series and become role models. When I first came out I would often hear the argument for not allowing gays to marry as being that they were by nature promiscuous and could never be faithful. Now the argument is that it will undermine the institution of marriage. These people need to look into their own houses and what their own actions are doing to the very thing they are trying to protect. I would love to hear your input on the matter. Far too many people have strong feelings on the subject, but have their voices muted. Let me know how you feel and I will add voice to it for you. You can leave a comment here as anonymous or send me an email. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

Guilty Pleasures

We all have them. Those things that bring use pleasure that no one else should know or would understand. Those things are called "Guilty Pleasures." Some are a secret because they may be considered childish or immature. Some may be just downright embarrassing. I thought today I would share with you a list of some of my guilty pleasures. Perhaps some of them you may share with me. Others may just be amusing. Some may be shocking. Whatever the case may be, I hope you enjoy and message me with yours too.

1. Bacon. I love bacon anything. There are a plethora of bacon products these days and I love them all!
2. Coffee. Nectar of the Gods!
3. Disney. Anything and everything to do with the company.
4. Cartoons. I admit it, I still get enjoyment from animation.
5. Ketchup on mashed potatoes. Yeah, I know, but its really no different then fries.
6. Singing in the shower. I am bad at it, and in the shower, I really don't care.
7. Gay Porn. Well..Duh!
8. Being in the rain. It rains so rarely where I live that when it does, I love being in it.
9. Cooking on the fly. I love taking random ingredients and seeing what I come up with.
10. Writing this blog. I love having something scheduled to do.
11. Sappy love stories. I love a good chick flick.
12. Gay Independent Movies. Much the same as a chick flick.
13. The smell of vanilla. The aroma is so soothing to me.
14. A good argument. Nothing gets the blood pumping like a good fight.
15. Cuddling. love holding and being held.

These are the top ones of mine. I have 100's more but this is just to get the ball rolling. I invite you all to pipe in with a few of your own. Don't forget, you can post as anonymous so no one needs to know who you are. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Different Perspective

I have always found that looking at things from a different angel then most, I can find beauty when least expecting it. From encouragement from a friend, here are some pictures from my favorite place in the world, Disneyland, just with a diffenrt focus then most. Hope you enjoy.

Some are pretty easy to figure out, but can you find them all? Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

("'") Bear Hug ("'")

We all have those days when all we need is a big ol' bear hug. But did you know there is more to a hug then a simple embrace? And I am not talking in a sexual sense. All too often we are taught that hugging and Personal Displays of Affection (PDA) are wrong and dirty. Some time ago, a few overly protective and misguided prudes took it upon themselves to preach that hugging was nothing more then a precursor to sex. On top of that is this stigmata that hugging is not "manly" and only woman hug. But none of that is true. There are, in fact, actual health benefits to a simple hug. According to Linda Blair, a clinical psychologist at Bath University, “Touch affects the cerebellar brain system, an area of the brain where basic positive emotions such as trust and affection probably come from.” A recent study done a two different universities showed that hugging for at least 20 seconds lowered blood pressure, lowered Cortisol (a hormone produced when under stress), and lowers the risk of heart disease. Hugging is also a mood elevator and can release the hormones Dopamine and Serotonin, which are mood lifters. That is why we are naturally prone to hug someone who is sad or under stress. And we can look to our fellow mammals and see the benefits of a hug or personal touch. How many times has a cat rubbed up against you? A dog lay at your feet? Its that personal touch that conveys love and trust. Holding hands for ten minutes is said to give you the same benefits of a 20 second hug. Can you imagine how happier we would be as a society if we could shed these negative associations with a hug? So with I say, social norms be damned. Give someone you care about, or even a complete stranger, a simple hug. And if anyone asks why, just say, "I care about your health." Love, and hugs, to all.

Burly Bear Chris 

Another Tale From The Front Desk

I don't know about you all, but it has been a week of deep reflection and emotion for me with in the blog so I thought some humorous reflection was in order. So with that, I bring you another tale from the front desk.
I arrived to work one evening to find the swing shift desk clerk rather frazzled. She explained to me that there was an incoming guest on the phone who was screaming at her that she had given him wrong directions and was now lost. Being rather familiar with the freeway systems here in Southern California, I told her I would handle it. I pick up the phone and the guest immediately starts screaming at me that he is tired of being made a fool and that he wanted precise directions. So I asked him where he was. He told me he was off the 91 freeway in Riverside. I lived in Riverside at the time so it was quite easy to give him directions. "Take the 91 east. You will pass the 15, 55, 57 and 5 freeways respectively. Just after passing the 5 exit Beach Blvd and turn left. We are on the right hand side." I took that trip everyday, so I knew he would be at least 30 minutes. The other desk clerk thanked me and she began closing her shift. About 15 minutes later, the guest called back furious. He was screaming at me that he had not seen any of the freeways I mentioned and was at the end of the 91 on Artesia Blvd. He described where he was at and indeed he was on Artesia, but he must have driven twice the speed limit to get there. So again I tell him directions back. "Take the 91 heading west and just before you reach the 5 freeway you will come to Beach Blvd. Exit and go right, we are on the right." By now it is time for everyone on the swing shift to go and to leave me alone. Curiosity, however, had gotten the best of them and they all decided to hang out in the bar to see who this guest was. Sure enough, 15 minutes later he calls again. He is screaming at me at the top of his lungs that he is sure I am screwing with him on purpose and that he was now in Riverside again and he was tired of the games and when he got to the hotel he would make me pay. At that point I had two options, simply tell him to choose other accommodations or help him to get to the hotel. I have to admit, I was curious to see this man too, so I chose the later. so I tell him, "Sir, I am quite familiar with Riverside, as I live there, so could he please tell me the exact location he was at." He began yelling at me he did not know the name of the street and was calling from a gas station, so I asked him to ask the attendant the name of the street. After a moment he comes back and says he is at Norwalk Blvd. Now something California does, and I am sure other places do to, they name the freeways after their destinations, according to when that section was built. As it turns out, at Norwalk Blvd the 91 freeway goes from being the Artesia Freeway to the Riverside Freeway. As it turns out, he was actually IN Artesia. So I explain this to him and assure him he is not, in fact, in Riverside but heading towards it and told him to get back on the freeway going west and he would be here in about 5 minutes. When I hung up, a roar of laughter exploded from the bar. The crowd had grown from the other employees to a group of hotel regulars that had been informed what was going on. After a short while, the guest finally arrives. The bar area was as quite as a mime as he approached the counter. Humbled he quietly checked in and as he was turning to leave to go to his room, the crowed cheered his arrival. Hope you all liked, and enjoyed the break in seriousness from the week. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

In Memory Of A Friend.

How many of you can remember what you were doing exactly 24 years ago today? For some of you, you were not even born yet. But I remember that day like it was yesterday. Shortly after midnight on the morning of January 21, 1989 I was on the phone. I was calling my work to see if my friend who had worked my shift as closing manager was going to bring me the store keys or if I needed to go get them. I surprised when the franchise owner of the store answered the phone instead.0 He informed me to get to the store quickly. Upon arrival I was met with the owner, a news reporter and a team of police investigators. The owner took me aside and explained that Shane had been shot in a robbery. Shane was in the hospital and the owner had set us up with rooms at a motel near it. Two days later Shane's heart gave out and this world lost one of the best people I had ever had the privilege of knowing. Shane was 24 at the time of his murder and today marks the 24th anniversary of his death. I can't but help think how much I have got to see and do that he never had the chance to. Shane was more then a co-worker, he was a great friend. He was the first openly gay man I had met and I looked up to him for answers to my own confusion. I never did get to tell him I was gay too. One of the first expressions he ever taught me I still repeat to this day. "Its not the length, but the girth and what you do with it. You can f*** a pencil and yet feel nothing." I will forever remember the times and laughs we shared at work, at his home, and even at Denny's at 2 am after we closed the stores down. But inside there is more then sadness, but anger too. Shane should not have been taken from us that soon. I should have been working that night. I spent the next nearly twenty years blaming myself and punishing myself in ways you could not imagine. I don't anymore. I know now that its was not my fault. But during those years, I lived with terrible guilt. Meanwhile the thug that pulled the trigger sits to this day awaiting the death penalty. A month before this robbery, this ass robbed another restaurant shooting an innocent customer who was in it at the time. A few months later he was involved in a shotgun attack in which three others were shot. Luckily in all but Shane's the victims survived. He was caught and sentenced in 1991 and yet, with California's great appeal system and overly covering their own asses, he remains able to fight for his life when he so callously disregarded the lives of others.  Why is he still alive? The death penalty is a joke. He should have fried years ago. I only hope Shane is in peace. You are greatly missed my friend. Miss you terribly.

RIP

Herman Shane Weeks

7/23/1964 - 01/23/1989

A Coming Out Story Continued: Closets Without Borders

This is the 6th in a series. If you found yourself here first, please click HERE to start at the beginning. Yesterday I left off with the introduction of Carter. Here is a man who has been there for me when I needed a friend, and waited for me to give him a chance. I could no longer say no. Carter was everything I needed. He was kind. He was patient. He was intelligent. He was handsome. He loved me. But most of all, he was safe. Carter lived just about as far away from me as one could get. 5500 miles and 9 time zones away to be exact. Carter and I would chat online everyday. The time differences meant I had to adjust to some pretty odd hours, but he was worth it. We would talk about our future together. As gay marriage is legal where Carter lives, we even talked about getting married. We spent the next 18 months in what was almost the perfect relationship. I say almost because there were two things that stood out the most that kept it from being the absolute perfect relationship. The first was the distance. There were a few times that we had planned on meeting each other in person and each time circumstances beyond either of our controls prevented it from happening. The second was, I was still someone's secret. Carter was living in the double closet. Those that did know he was gay, had no clue he was a chaser. Upon reflection of our relationship I had come to realize that as Idealistic it was, and as perfect as he was, it just wasn't realistic. There was no way either of us could up and leave to move to another country. So for the first time, I had to break off the relationship with someone who had not done me any wrong. Someone I loved and I knew he loved me. It took me a few days after coming to this decision before I could muster up the courage to do it. When I did it, I held back the tears and told him how I felt and that it was best to end the relationship but wanted and needed his friendship. It went smoothly. Too smoothly. He said he understood and okay. I actually felt hurt it went so smoothly. Then, the next day, Carter sent me an email. It wasn't until later he realized what I had said and how badly he felt. There was the knife in the chest I had expected. I tried to keep a stiff upper lip and we still continued to chat everyday. Until one day when he told me about someone he had met. That's when I couldn't hold back the emotion any longer and I cried in front of him. But that was also a turning point as from that moment on it became okay to talk to each other about the guys we were liking and dating. It was no longer the elephant in the room that we had to tiptoe around. Carter and I still talk to each other nearly every day. He is and will always be one of my best friends. As well as nearly all my exes mentioned in this series. I truly believe that my heart is like a safe and once someone is in there, they are there to stay, even if that means being friends and not lovers. That brings you all up to date. That is the history of my first 42 years. I hope that by sharing my story with you all not only will you get a better chance of who I am and what I have been through, but that maybe I could help others who may find themselves in similar situations.As I move forward, I have taken something from each relationship and and now have a better understanding of our Bear/Chub/Chaser community, of the types of men out there, and most of all, myself and what it is that I want in a partner. Although there are many more chapters in my life to write, this is the last in the closet series, for the thing I have learned the most, it can't work if I am a secret. Thanks to all who have continued to follow me through this series. If anyone has any questions, advice or simply want to say how reading these might have helped you, do not hesitate to contact me.Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Coming Out Story Continued: The Cyber Closet

This is the fifth in a series. If you got here first, you may want to begin at A Coming Out Story and continue from there. I left off yesterday with the introduction of Mario. (As usual, I am not using the guys real names.) But before I continue on with him I need to step back a bit. As things began to fade between Luke and I, I found myself spending more and more time online making friends on sites like Biggercity and Bear411. Some were casual acquaintances, while others became truly deep connections. One of these connections was Buddy. Buddy and I clicked immediately. He and I could tell each other anything. In the beginning, he and I connected over the fact that we were both in relationships that seemed to be struggling for life. We would chat for hours about what was going on and what each of us needed but not getting. It soon developed into more then just a kinship, as we began to share with each other our fantasies and desires. The best part of it was it was safe. We lived so far apart so the chances of taking it farther then the keyboards was slim. When things did end with Luke and I, Buddy's friendship really helped me from blaming myself and isolating myself away. The only problem was I had left Luke's professional closet and was now in Buddy's cyber closet. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed our chats very much and his friendship carries on with me to this day, but I was still not getting the physical attention I had been neglected all those years as well as still, yet again, I was someone's secret. So that is when I started going out to the bar, and started "dating" other guys. One guy I had met was Tab (odd name yes, but its fake and he will get the reference, haha). Tab and I talked several times online and I liked him very much. So much so that I wanted everything perfect the first time we were together. I kept putting off meeting him, not because I wasn't interested in him, but just the opposite and wanted to make the best first impression. When we finally met up, I was so shy, so nervous and so sure that he would only like me for one thing, I completely blew our meeting. I did not stop to think that he could possibly be thinking the same about me. He and I chatted here and there after that, but it wasn't the same. we had a definite friendship, but there was something there that was preventing us from moving beyond that. About a year later is when Mario and I began to date. Mario asked me to be his boyfriend and the very next day, Tab needed a place to stay and came to stay with me. We never did anything that week other then be friends, and after that week Tab left. As he was leaving I felt like I was making the worst mistake in my life by not begging him to stay. It wasn't until two years later when we had rekindled our friendship and were able to talk of of our first night did I fully understand that my actions could be taken as that I was the one not interested. Instead of him hurting me, I had hurt him. And by the time I had realized this, it was too late to go back and change things. But that's jumping ahead. Mario and I were now boyfriends. He was the first man to send me flowers for my birthday. He told me "I love you" first. He treated me quite well, in the beginning. I later learned that when he did those things, it was not because he wanted to make me happy, but apologize for things he was doing that I did not know about. I learned a few months later that Mario was also with another man. That was it. I was through with the men in my life and I retreated back into the cyber world. At the time I had been chatting with someone from another country as friends for over six years. He had asked me in the past if there was ever a chance between us and I always said no. After the hurt Mario caused me, I was talking to this friend and he again asked me if there was a chance between us. After thinking about it, I finally said yes. And that is where Carter comes in. More on him in the next blog. Thanks for reading. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Coming Out Story Continued: Your Closet Or Mine

This is a continuation of A Coming Out Story so if you have not read the previous posts, you may want to begin there. I left off yesterday at the point when I learned that I would always be some one's secret and depressing that was to me. Then one day I met "Luke". Luke had asked me to have coffee with him and I agreed. He was not physically what I was normally attracted to, yet there was something that drew me to him. I felt a connection on a deep emotional level with him. I think what interested me most about Luke was he was not a chaser. He, like me, felt above all else, personality was most important. I left him after having coffee that day thinking to myself, "I think I just found The One!" We went on more dates and I increasingly grew to love Luke. I was not happy where I was living at the time one day when Luke came to pick me up to go out he arrived in the middle of a rather heated argument. Luke asked me then and there to get my stuff and move in with him. I was so happy! For the first time I was going to live with someone as a couple! After a while, he introduced me to his family, and I introduced him to mine. My mother instantly took to Luke, and that's when I knew I had a keeper. I was still a secret though. Luke's job could never know about me. He had to live a double life. In order to be with him, I had to live in his closet. We had so much in common yet we also had so much not in common. The balance seemed to be perfect. I loved him so much I didn't care I was a big secret. On our first year anniversary we had even discussed getting married, but that was when Prop 22 happened and it scared him enough to cancel all talk of a wedding. After about the fourth year together, I began to notice a change in Luke. I would ask him what was wrong and his response was always, "Just work stress." and so I would leave it at that. A few years later Luke explained to me he no longer knew who he was and needed to find himself. I told him I would do whatever I could to help him. A short while later Luke did find himself. He felt he could no longer live his life as a gay man and had met a woman and had fallen in love with her. When Luke left me for her I was beyond devastated. I felt rejected on so many levels. I fell into a deep and dark depression. Every woman I saw I wondered, "Is that her?" I would see happy couples at work and wonder, why I couldn't be one of them? What was wrong with me? At the insistence of a boss from work, I started counseling and therapy. Before the therapy really had a chance to help me, I began to do something I had never done before. I sought out guys who I knew would only be one night stands.  Looking back, I now know why I did it, but at the time I couldn't figure it out. I thought if I could just fulfill the physical needs, then the emotional needs would be okay. I regret that faze now. I was smart enough to play safe, but stupid enough that I hurt myself even more emotionally. And whats worse, I hurt someone else that I grew to care for so much and ruined a chance at what could have been the best thing to happen to me. I was so sure that that's all anyone wanted from me, I completely ignored any signs that there might be someone who wanted more. But more of that later as I had not realized this just yet. I began going to the bar with the Chub & Chaser nights quite often now and got to know quite a few of the regulars. There was one particular couple there that I would watch and got to know. The chub was just an asshole and I would watch how he treated the chaser and I felt so sad for him. I would talk to him several times over the years, and eventually he got the courage to stand up to the big jerk. He eventually left the guy. That is when the chaser, "Mario" confessed his interest in me. More on Mario, and the realization of what my actions had done to someone else tomorrow. Thanks for reading. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Coming Out Story Continued: The Double Closet

This is a continuation of A Coming Out Story and A Coming Out Story Continued, So if you have not read those first, follow the links and then come back here. When we left off, I had just met "Mike" as I was leaving the bar. He had asked for my number and I was shocked to actually hear from him a few weeks later. We had agreed to meet back at the bar where we met at, as we were both coming from opposite directions and the bar happened to be in the middle. I got there early and was nervous as all hell. I waited first in the bar, then outside the bar. As it got later and later I was sure I had been stood up. When it got to be an hour late I had decided he wasn't coming and started to head back to my car. As I crossed the parking lot I heard a familiar voice, "Hey gorgeous!" I turned and there was Mike. My anger at him being late dissolved with those two simple words. He suggested that we go somewhere else and I said sure and followed him like a puppy to his truck. After mentioning different places he said he had a place in mind to take me. I said sure, where ever. That's when we arrived at a place I had not even heard of before. Our first date and he was already showing me new things! It was my first time at a spa. I had images of getting massages and sitting in a hot tub. Boy was I in for a shock. After paying for our "private room" a getting our towels, (I was actually shocked they had extra large ones for people like me.) we headed in. The delusions I had about the "spa" quickly faded. It became quite obvious why he had brought me here and what he was looking for. As we headed to the the room and passed opened doors there were several guys in various sexual acts who did not care who could see. In the room Mike explained that we had to be completely nude except for the towels in the place and proceeded to get undressed. I was hesitant but eventually succumbed to the pressure. He then showed me around the place like a proper tour guide, but I was more focused on noticing that once again, I was the only chubby guy in the place. After the tour we went back the the room (room is used loosely as it was really a closet with a cot) and proceeded to "enjoy" our time together. When it came time to leave he told me to wait. "Let me go out first, you wait a few minutes and meet me at the car." I thought a bit odd, but agreed, half expecting him to be gone and I had no way back to my car. I was relieved to see he was there when I got there. As he drove me back to the bar to get my car, he explained, "Sorry, I thought I might have had friends in the area and didn't want them to see me leaving with a chub, they don't know I am a chaser." I sat there in silence as I tried to process the information he just told me. I knew I was chubby so I must be the chub, but what is a chaser? And why is it so embarrassing? Before I had the chance to even ask him these questions he hit me with another shocker. "Plus it might get back to my boyfriend. Oh, I did tell you I had a boyfriend, right?" I paused for what seemed to me an eternity, but was just a few seconds and said, "No, no you didn't." The night went very different from what I expected and it was quickly turning from bad to worse.  I was mad at him for lying to me. I was mad at myself for allowing him to use me. But was so desperate for the attention I said yes to another "date" before I could even stop myself. After a few days and the shame had begun to wear off I decided to do some research on these new terms I had heard. What is a chub and chaser. That is when I found that there was actually a subculture of gay men out there that actually had men like me! And on top of that, there was a bar close to me in Long Beach that actually had a night dedicated to them. After several months of trying to get the courage to go and still seeing "Mike" on the side, I finally managed to muster up enough bravery to go on one of these nights. What I didn't know was that by the time I got to the bar, the social was over. So I sat at the bar, alone playing one of those bar top video games when I was approached by a cute guy. We talked for a while and he asked me if I had been there for the social, I explained I arrived to late and he explained he did too. It was late and I had to get home so I told him I had to leave. He walked me to the car and I asked if he would be at the next one. He said he wasn't sure as no one knew he was a chaser and wasn't sure if he could sneak away. What the hell? Why can't these guys tell anyone that they like guys like me? That is when I learned of the "Double Closet" Some guys can come out as a gay man, but it is such a stigma to be fat, that they can not bring themselves to tell others that they are attracted to bigger guys. It suddenly dawned on me. My life would never be free of secrets. Not only had I kept my sexual orientation a secret, from both straights and gays, but any partner I have would have to keep his preference for guys like me a secret too. I didn't go back to that bar for a very very long time. I did meet up with "Mike" on several more occasions, but it was simply to fulfill our physical needs. My dream of living a happy life with anyone had faded. I was defeated. That was, until I met "Luke". But that will have to wait for the next chapter. Thanks for reading everyone. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Coming Out Story Continued: Out Of A Closet Into Another

I have had some wonderful response to my coming out story, but I have also received several people asking me a few questions. "What happened after you came out?" "What was it like a s a big man to come out?" "Did you find your soul mate?" and more. So I am going to continue my story today and try to answer a few of these questions. Where I left off was the reaction of family and friends. What I should explain further was the effects of coming out and how they effected me. As  I stated, I was 27, but felt 17 again. Here I am finally accepting myself as a gay man, and those around me now know and accept me too. It was an euphoric feeling.  I starting hitting all the bars in LA. At first I was just so excited to be with my own kind of people! The music was better. The drinks were better! The people were better! But were they really? As the blinding excitement began to fade I noticed something rather odd. All the guys around me were thin, well built, and as hot as they looked, they were rather cold in their personalities. I went to my first gay pride in Palm Springs. I had a great time with a few of my new gay friends. That was until we were at one of the clubs in the evening. My friend and I were dancing on the dance floor when I was approached my a few people filming the action in the club. He said to me, "Uhm could you move off the floor so we can shoot the hot guys." I felt punched in the face. Here I was, hiding who I was all these years for fear of rejection from those different from me, yet now I am being rejected by those that are like me. I stopped going to the clubs. I felt I left one closet, only to be put into another. I had to hide from the gay world that, I was like them. Then one day I came upon a personal ad. I won't use his real name, we will just call him Joe. Joe was looking for a chubby guy. I had to respond because for all I knew from what I saw at the clubs, I was the ONLY chubby gay. Joe and I talked back and forth for a while. He lived only 30 miles away so we quickly set up our first date. When we met for the first time it was like "Wow!", I could not believe this hunk wanted someone like me. He took me to a bar near his home and he bought me a drink, and asked me to play a game of darts. After a while it became obvious he was trying to let me win. He would touch my arm when he spoke to me, compliment my throw, even if it did miss the board. I had never had this type of attention before. When we got back in the car, he looked at me and smiled. "Did you hear what I said?" he asked snapping me out of a magical daydream I was having about him. "Oh, uh, no sorry." I said. He laughed and said, "I said you are a very beautiful man." Much like today, I did not take compliments very well as I never know what to say and always doubt the sincerity. He then leaned over and gave me my first real gay kiss. I saw fireworks. I could not believe I found this man and he liked me as much as I liked him!. Over the next few months I would see him every chance I got. We introduced each other to the our families. I was finally living a life I always wanted. That was until Joe got addicted to Meth. I had not known he was once addicted before we met and that some old "friends" had reintroduced it to him. Soon all the time we would spend together was time he was looking to score some drugs. He ended up draining my savings and when I told him that was it, I wanted my money back and him to get clean, he got abusive. Hit me with a pair of brass knuckles he pulled out of his pocket and the pulled a gun out of his backpack and pointed it at me. We were in my car at the time and I noticed a cop up ahead, so I pulled over and threw him out of the car. I secretly wanted the cop to see and knew he would run from them. I never wanted to see him again, yet at the same time couldn't think of nothing else but him. He was so different when we met to what the drugs did to him. He was my first love and will always be remembered for that, they way he was in the beginning. I wore out so many CD's of Cher's "Believe", I even bought one that simply had 12 different versions of that one song, and listened to them over and over again, using it as my anthem, telling myself there was life after love. But it took a long time. After a while I then allowed some friends to convince me to go to some bars I had not been to yet. They assured me I would like these better. That is when I discovered Faultline in LA. It was my introduction the Leather Bear Community. I was very timid still and even though these guys were more like me, I remained the wallflower. With what I went through with Joe, I developed a dislike for alcohol as any form of inebriation reminded me of how people change from who they really are, so I would usually just watch and be the driver as my fiends let their hair down and had a good time. One of these trips I was standing near the door drinking my water when I noticed this handsome guy walk past and into the phone booth. As usual I looked, I admired, I wrote him off as out of my league. Next thing I know he is standing next to me and saying something, I looked to him and said "what?" he then said again, "Is that all your drinking?" I explained yes and that I was the DD. He then offered to get me another, I said sure. To this day I have no idea if someone is hitting on me or just being nice, so I assume the later to be safe. When he came back, he suggested we got to a quieter section of the bar. He introduced himself. Again I will use a fake name, Mike. After a few minutes my friends came to me, way too drunk to take care of themselves so I had to say goodbye to Mike. He asked for my number. I was surprised when he called me a few days later wanting to meet again. And I will continue this story tomorrow. Thank you for reading this far and for all your support. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Brain Teaser

After a couple of deeply personal posts I thought today I would lighten things up with a little brain teaser. See if you can figure it out.

Three business men arrive late to their hotel. Upon arrival the desk clerk explains to them, "I'm sorry, but I only have 1 room left. The rate on that room is $30 if you would like to share." It is late and the three men decide it is better then trying to find other accommodations. They each pay $10, are given the key, then head off to the room. After they leave, the desk clerk decides that it wasn't fair to charge them the whole rate and decides to discount their room. He calls the Bellman to the desk and hands him $5 and tells him to take it to the men to divide equally. As he heads to the room the bellman thinks to himself, "I can't split $5 equally so I will give each of them $1 and keep $2 for myself." So he gives each of them a dollar. So each man paid $9 ($10-$1) and the bellman kept $2 ($5 - $3). 9 x 3 =27, 27 +2 =29, What happened to the 30th dollar?

Think you can figure it out? leave a message and we will see. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Coming Out Story

So I thought today I would share my coming out story. I did not come out to my friends and family until rather late compared to most. I was 27 at the time. I had known I was attracted to guys since the third grade when I named my pet rabbit Troy after a boy in my class that I had liked. Of course then it was not a sexual attraction, as I had no idea what sex even was, but I knew that I wast fascinated by him. By the time I had hit puberty, it was male genitals that got my attention, not woman's breasts like the rest of my friends. I knew I was different, but did not know why. I thought that if I could pretend to like girls and followed the actions of my friends, that maybe someday I too would find them as wonderful as they did. I finally learned what a "fag" was in Junior High. I had heard the word and knew it was a bad word, but never knew the meaning until one day I called someone that and was overheard by a teacher who then took me to the principle. I remember him asking, "Do you even know what that word means?" I had to admit I didn't and he proceeded to tell me it was a boy who liked boys instead of girls and that it was a terrible thing to call someone. As I was a normally nerdy good student, he said that he would not have to tell my parents, so no one knew about our conversation. But I knew. And I replayed it over and over in my head. I remember thinking I liked boys instead of girls. I was a fag. I was a terrible thing. That made me even more determined then ever to be "normal" and tried desperately to like girls. I had several girl friends, but could never bring myself to cross that line into girlfriend. In high school I had one who her and I were the best of friends. Several people thought we were a couple, and I made no attempt to correct that. I felt safe if they thought I was normal. At  about 15 I learned that there were people who liked both men and women and were called bisexual. So I began to think of myself as bi, even though I had no sexual interest in girls at all. It was a label I put on myself, no one ever asked me and assumed I was straight, but somehow it made it a little easier to accept to myself that I liked boys. At 17, after high school, I was working for Domino's Pizza and met Shane. He was the first openly gay role model I ever had. He was 6 years older. I remember just studying him and quickly became friends with him. When we were alone I could not stop asking him questions and quickly placed myself under his wing. He even gave me my first drink of alcohol. It was his 24th birthday. Looking back at it now, I am sure he picked up that I too was gay, but he never said anything. Or at least, never got to. A few months later Shane was killed. A death I blamed myself for, but I will save that story for another blog. I not only lost a very dear friend, but the man I looked up to the most. At his funeral, I remember the terrible things his mother had said under her breath about her son being in hell because of his wicked homosexual ways. That's when I knew I had to keep my secret from my family. I never wanted my mother to hate me, or worse, die of a heart attack, finding out I was gay. For ten years after that I tried my best to keep my secret. I lived a busy life, so if asked why I wasn't dating, I simply didn't have the time. A few times I had what I though were close calls. And I thought I did well at covering my tracks. I never had a serious boyfriend, but I was having one night stands and hook ups. By the time I was 27 , both my sisters had married and started families. My mom would ask, "When are you starting yours?" I could not take it any longer. I wanted what they had. I wanted to find my soul mate. So I called my sisters and mother to a family meeting and proceeded to tell them I had big news. I stood before them, and told them, "I'm gay!" there was a pause then my sister said "Duhhh" and my mother said, "Oh I've known" Instead of the big bang like a balloon popping that I expected, it went more like pppffffttttt and I felt a little deflated. My mom then said, "I have always known, but read books that said I had to wait for you to tell me." The tables turned and now I was the one in shock. I told her, "Well you could have left the book out for me to see it too!" Then suddenly I felt both free and yet, angry at all the time I wasted hiding for nothing. I then told all my friends. Their reactions were somewhat surprising too. Most of them thought I was pulling their leg or lying. It confused me. My family knew the whole time, yet the friends I spent the most time with had no clue. In all I only lost 2 friends that could not accept me for who I was. All the others were happy that I could finally be myself. I then went from being 27 to 17 again. I got to do all those things normal teenagers got to do a decade before. Date, mingle, and bring some to meet the family. I still wish I had those years to live over and not waste them the way I did. But things happen for a reason I guess. Well, that's my story, sorry it was so long and hope you enjoyed. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris.

What It Is Like To Be An Empath

For those who are unaware, an Empath, in the most simplest of definitions, is someone who is overly sensitive to emotions and feelings and can feel other's as if they were their own. For the longest time I was told, and believed myself, that I was just a very "sensitive" person. One who was easily made to laugh and to cry. I also noticed that people, even perfect strangers, would have no problem opening up to me and telling me what was bothering them. I never knew the two could be connected, until I learned about Empaths. No only can Empaths feel the emotional burdens of others, but others can naturally be drawn to them to help ease those burdens. A perfect example of this happened one time when I was about 19. I was walking through the neighborhood on my way to a carnival being held at a local park. A complete stranger was walking the other way on the opposite side of the street. He crossed the street and started talking to me as we walked. After they "heys" and "hows it goings" he suddenly started telling me how he and his girlfriend had just split and how much pain he was feeling. Now this guy was a rather tough looking guy with that "Don't screw with me" look about him. Suddenly he started to cry. Not a little tear and a sniff, but full on bawling. We stopped and I just listened to him. After he finished his story he suddenly came to his senses, looked around and said he could not understand why he told me all this or what made him feel he could and just took off. Had it not happened to me before, I would have sworn someone was playing a joke on me it was so surreal. As long as I can remember I have been the one people confided in. As I got older I began to notice that not only could I listen to them, I could feel them. And it is not just emotions but physical pain too. Sometimes its hard being able to tell my pain from the pain of loved ones. There has been times I have awoke with an unusual pain and called family to be sure it wasn't them. About half the time, it is. I don't want you to think its all about pain either. I can feel happiness, joy, confusion, and fear too. I can also sense nature coming on. Even as a child I knew when and where an earthquake would hit. My mother tells a story of when I was just a baby, months after being born. I was crying and fussing all day and night and no matter what she did, nothing worked. That night a rather large earthquake hit. as the shaking stopped, I fell asleep and quit fussing. Could I sense it? I don't know. Based on what I have experienced in my life that I do remember, chances are yes I could. One of the best things about being an Empath is the ability to tell when I am being lied to. I can sense the nervousness of being caught. That's not to say I can "always" tell when it is happening, it all depends on how the other person feels about the lie and how sensitive I am at the time. The sensitivity is not constant and can change with my own emotions or fatigue. Anyway, that is a short introduction into the life of an Empath. If you have any questions or have had similar experiences, feel free to contact me. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

Happy 1 Monthiversary!

As I stated a few weeks ago, it is important to celebrate the small things too so with that, Happy Monthiversary! It has been 1 month since starting this blog and , wow, what fun it has been!. It has been amazing to me to see and watch the statistics for this blog so I thought I would share some of them with you today.

• At the time of writing this, the blog has had 1193 page views!
• I have had traffic from all over the world with the top countries being: 

  United States
  Sweden
  Germany
  Japan
  Czech Republic
  France
  Austria
  Spain
  South Korea
  Canada

• Firefox is the most popular browser with Chrome and IE tied for 2nd
• Windows is the top operating system with iPhone and Linux tied for 2nd and Macintosh a distant 4th
• "Do You Believe In Magic" has been the most popular post thus far
• The date with the most traffic has been January 9th

So where do you fall in the stats? Let me know and if you agree with the others on what your favorite post has been. So Happy Montiversary readers! Your support keeps me going. Love to all!

Burly Bear Chris

The Seven Stages Of Grief

 We all experience loss in our lives. loss is enviable. Whether it be the death of a loved one or the end of a friendship or relationship, we will lose someone we care about. There is only one guarantee in life and that is loss. With that certainty and given the predictability in human behavior, researchers have determined that there seven stages we go through when our lives are sidelined with this loss. Those stages are: Shock and denial, Pain and guilt, Anger and bargaining, Depression and loneliness, The turn around, Reconstruction, and finally Acceptance and hope. Here is a little look deeper into each of these.

1. Shock and denial. This happens when the event first takes place. Our first instinct is to deny that the loss has taken place. This is when we say "No, this can't be happening!" and try to convince ourselves everything is still normal. It is quickly followed by stage two.
2. Pain and guilt. After the numbness of the shock wears off, it is quickly replaced with unbelievable, and sometimes seemingly unbearable, pain. It is also about this time we begin to feel guilty. Often feeling like it is our fault or it should have been me. 
3. Anger and bargaining. This is when the blame shifts from us to someone or something else. This often teeter-totters with trying to barter in order to repair the loss with such things as, "I promise I will do _____ differently if he/she will just come back." 
4. Depression and loneliness. This is when the full realization of the situation sets in and the sadness is at its biggest. We tend to isolate ourselves from those around us because, although well intended, they can not fully grasp your situation and their attempts to "cheer you up" only increase the feeling of loss.
5. The turn around. This is when you notice that little by little your pain is lessening. You tend to function just a little bit more. You begin to find small amounts of enjoyment in the things you once did.
6. Reconstruction. As you begin to get back into your normal routine, you learn to adapt to the parts that are now missing. You begin to feel the need to tell your story. Let others know you are on the road to recovery and look to people to fill in the gaps. You being to reach out once again.
7. Acceptance and hope. We begin to accept the situation for what it is and start to see a light at the end of the tunnel. We are not quite back to normal, but we can see ourselves being there and accept that things will be better.

Although it is certain we will go through each of these stages, what is unknown is when, what order and how long each of them will take. A therapist once explained to me that it is much like driving up a mountain. The road to recovery is not a straight incline to the peak, but rather a long winding one with many hills and valleys. Sometimes we take many strides to our goal, then have to take a few back, and that is okay. The important thing is that eventually you will make it to the top. So to all those who are currently suffering a loss and to those that may in the future, I hope this outline shows that the feelings you are having are not only valid, but necessary in order to recover. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

The Best Cookie Recipe!

I thought I would share with you my favorite all time cookie recipe. My grandmother would make these and then my mom would make them every year for me for the holidays. I did not get them this year and have been having withdrawals. So if anyone wants to try and send me some, I will tell you how well they came out. hahaha.


Grandma's Butterscotch Icebox Cookies

In a bowl mix together:
1 cup Oleo (margarine)
2 cups brown sugar
Blend together  slowly adding  2 eggs
and 1 tsp vanilla

In a seperate bowl mix together:
3 1/4 cups flour
1 tsp cream of tarter
1 tsp baking soda
 Blend together well

mix dry ingredients to wet ingredients until formed into a firm dough.

roll into logs in wax paper let set in the refrigerator overnight

The next day remove from wax paper and cut into 1/4 inch slices.
 bake in a preheated oven at 350  until edges are firm and centers a just slightly soft.

You can enjoy right away but I have found they are even better if cooled and then put back in fridge in an airtight container overnight again.

 Enjoy with ice cold milk.

So try the recipe yourself and let me know what you think. Coconut is an optional ingredient, but I like em better without. Love to all.

Burly Bear Chris

A Word Of Thanks

Today's post is a little different. I want to take the opportunity to thank those in my life that, whom without their kindness, I wouldn't be who and where I am today. First and foremost would be my Mom! She instilled in me the values and morals that make me who I am. It was she that showed me it was better to give than receive, to love with an open heart and to listen with an open mind. I want to thank my sisters Michele and Jennifer! They have always been there when I needed a shoulder, and sometimes even a couch. They have also blessed me with the best nieces and nephews an uncle could ever have. Adrian, Ashley, Matthew, Daniel, Hunter and Zarah. They are smart, loving and caring individuals with open minds and voices of reason who stand up and protect others. I am thankful for the many friends I have. You all mean something special to me. You all teach me more and more everyday. I wish I could name each of you, but this is a blog, not War And Peace, lol. Some I have known since childhood, Like Kari, who has been an extension of my family for, dare I say, 30 years! She was there when I had my first drink! Although fuzzy, those are memories that last a lifetime! Some I have known less time, but the bonds are equally strong. Lauri, you are forever my Hodekins! Even across the miles and the busy lives I am so very glad we have never lost that connection. You are going to be the best Surgeon and I am so very proud of your hard work and determination. There is also those that are unconventional friends, like Jake. So many can't see why we would be such good friends after the things we went through, but they don't know you like I do and what a true friend you continue to be. There are the friends I have not known as long, but have easily stepped into my life like they have always been there. Becky, your support and encouragement has meant the world to me, thank you for being my brain twin. Its scary how many time we say and think the same things at the same time, haha. Richard, who is like my little brother I never had. Whenever we need each other, we are always there, Boos for life. Nate, I have made it no secret to you how utterly jealous I am of your talents. And I am not just talking about your artistic abilities. You are one person whose heart rivals my own in its ability to care and hold those past and present dear to you. You encourage me to continually better myself. Arv, you continue to look out for me and guide me along the way. Karl and Lee who always take the time to read this blog and let me know what they think. Your support keeps me going when I feel discouragement creeping in. Then there are those who I have just met yet already made an imprint in my life. Mitch, your youthful optimism and intelligence give me hope that the future will be okay. Rhion, you show me that even with the uncertainty and chaos going on around us, there is still kindness and compassion to be found. I can't say enough how much I am thankful you took a chance and said hello to this shy bear. Like I said before, I wish I could mention everyone by name, but those of you in my life, I say thank you for being there. And for those of you that I may not know yet, but you are reading this, I look forward to see what we can teach each other as well. In all sincerity, Love, and appreciation, to all.

Burly Bear Chris